3.

 Today was a rough day.

Today I realized that I don't want to die, but I definitely want to stop being the person I am. It hurts to know that I've been throwing on a mask to pretend I'm happy. It hurts that I let myself believe for so long that I was okay and that everything would just fix itself. It all hurts. 

The part that hurts the most is feeling like I'm losing my mind. Trying to pull myself out of habits, while unhealthy, that I've fallen into for 7 years. I feel like I need to feel okay at the snap of a finger, but that's not how its working. Like I'm doing something wrong because I'm having such a hard time with everything. 

Its not that I expected it to be easy. Its that I didn't believe that it was going to hurt at this level for this long. I figured by this point I would have some realization moment that everything will be okay and I can start feeling okay again.

Well I've had that moment and I don't feel okay. 

I feel worse, I feel lonely, I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind every. single. day. 

I want to fucking cry and fucking scream and I want to ram my head into a fucking wall.

Most of all,

I want all of the feelings to end.