1.

Fix.

It implies that something is broken. Maybe I am. I've come to terms with the fact that there is something not quite right with me, that the way I've been living my life isn't healthy. I've accepted that the shell of a person I've been presenting to the world has so much more to give, to show, to say. I've spent years pretending that she is the best she can be, that she is content with her life, that she is living.

I haven't been living. 

I've allowed myself to fall into a sense of complacency, a sense of security, where I believed that there was nothing I had to change, there was nothing wrong. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed, rinse and repeat. Inside a voice was screaming, begging, pleading to come out. I was dying, and I didn't even know it.

Effectively self destructing.

The best way to explain it honestly. Complacency is a silent killer. We get in this routine and nothing changes. Routine is great for certain things, don't get me wrong. Structure, I'm all for it. But suffocating the small voice in the back of your head that says "THIS ISN'T HEALTHY" and "YOU'RE NOT OKAY" is exactly that: not okay. 

I never wanted to die, and I still don't, let me make that perfectly clear. I enjoy living. I enjoy the people in my life, I enjoy my life as a whole. I might complain on a daily basis about little things just to get them off my chest, and who doesn't? But what I've realized, as difficult as it was to accept, as difficult as it was to hear, as difficult as it was to say out loud, is that I am not okay. 

I'm not okay. 

And its okay to not be okay. But what isn't okay, is accepting that this state of mind, of not being okay, is the only way you're ever allowed to feel. What isn't okay, is letting the people around you hurt because they're watching you be content with not being okay.

Not being okay is a temporary feeling. In order to live life to the absolute fullest, the way its meant to be, its important to take the not okay days, and fix them.

Control them. Make them better. 

Make me better.