5.

 It’s been a while. 

I feel like I’m not even living my own life anymore. Every single day I wake up and I’m at least a bit content—

Unless it’s a day I’m waking up from that dream. 

I’m not touched, I’m not laughed with. I’m a fucking shell. It’s wild to me that someone can feel so, so fucking empty. That I can feel like I’m being replaced on one hand but on another I feel like everything is getting better. 

It has to be getting better, right? That’s what’s right. 

It doesn’t make any sense. But here I am. Sitting in a bed wondering why I feel the way I feel. 

I was half asleep for the most physical contact I’ve had in weeks. I feel like I’m a ghost that no one wants to associate with. Like I’m the most invisible I can possibly be. 

What’s it like to not feel like I’m just going through the motions of life. To feel like there’s someone who would come as soon as I need them, as soon as I need help, as soon as I need a shoulder. 

Because I don’t feel like I have that. I feel like an outsider, like everything I say is the jagged edge of a dull knife. I feel like there’s an eye roll every single time I talk. 

Fuck. 

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m lost.

I wish I was anywhere else at the moment.